The sense of guilt that penetrates my heart after losing my son made my grieving a struggle every day. Many times I do not find the will to get up and keep moving. I feel frozen, numb and just lost. In my search for better ways to deal with the paralyzing emotions, I got a glimpse of what’s going on inside.
I never thought of these inhabitants within long before I loss him. The belief that I am unworthy, not good enough and undeserving was so ingrained I never even notice they were a part of the difficulties I am facing. It was the constant self-talk I keep within myself that is validated every time I am questioning if things could have been different if I were a better Mom to my son. Validating that belief was the payoff I got for keeping the guilt within.
Now I know better and hope to do better. I may or may not have the power to stop my sons drinking when he was still with me. But it doesn’t really matter this time. What I can only control is the amount of love I am giving him until today and the days to come. Much has already been taken from me, now no more. I will not allow those agonizing beliefs about myself and my life control every moment I have every day. I have the power to choose how I would like to see things unfolding to me.
As I am sharing the monsters that inhabit my soul, it is being release outside of me leaving less control of the way I look at myself. I can create new rooms within to build a more accurate and uplifting beliefs about me and the life I have.
I am learning to be patient with myself as a sign of self-love. I will give myself permission to learn from my past failures and past mistakes and permission to grow and become a better person more in tune with living fully.
I will stop questioning God, why he let those things happen. I can focus on what I’ve got because of those happenings and trust that they can neither be good nor bad. Things are just the way they are. I am at peace with that. I cannot control events; I can only control how I react with what happens. I am always free to choose. It is liberating and giving me more reasons to be grateful and live life on life’s term.