This is the most difficult part for me to do, to come out in the open. Hiding had been my way from the time I saw those bloods on my underwear. I was around 5 or 6 then. I don’t remember much of that event this day. The only things I know and keep in my heart, buried deep in my consciousness is the belief that I am dirty and nobody will love me. I am not deserving and unworthy is an automatic self-talk I have within that I keep repeating for so long. A belief that I validated unconsciously until it becomes my definition of myself.
Forty years later, that incident had its tightest grip on me and no matter how I would like to let go of it, it just keep coming back to me. It is very subtle. I didn’t even notice I’m into my own self destruction. I will only realize it thru the results I am producing in my life. At times I feel hopeless. It seems impossible to get out of the debilitating beliefs creating all sorts of chaos in my life. There is always screaming voices that want to explode inside. I felt so bad, so mad so vex. I realized those hatred was turned into self-hatred, remorse and guilt and forgiving myself isn’t an easy task.
My husband had been my therapist and only confidante from the very start which I am not sure if it does more good than harm. The hiding is so familiar that I always need something to do in secret, especially to him. It’s crazy that at times I felt like dying to escape it all. But I’m too afraid. I’m too coward to take my life away from me. I just thought of an exit from the mess I always got myself into in the forms of financial troubles that sometimes death is the easy way out.
Why an innocent child at that time would have to go through this. I was at times asking the Lord. What is that for? Why did you let that happen to me when you know that in the coming of time I will bear the consequences so difficult? Like most of your children, I just want to be love, to be appreciated, to feel important and to know that I matter. How many more children are becoming incest victims today only to suffer so much later in their life?
Although I do not have yet the answers to those questions, I don’t think God is cruel. I just pray that I may be able to live a day free of the scars from the pain and suffering of being an incest victim. And I pray that no more children have to carry the burdens of being one.