I had been struggling many times with doubts about my capability to love. I realized I had a very distorted concept of it from the time I was growing up. During infancy probably my need for love was filled with my Moms cuddling and nursing me. I think the flaws begin between the age of 5 and 6 when I equated love with being touch by my cousin during the nights on our sleeping time and feel remorse in the morning. My concept of love then becomes limited to being touch and having sex which is equivalent to remorse, guilt and self-hatred. Those feelings were so powerful corrupting my sense of self and my goodness within.
My idea of love was fixated at that stage and never really grows up that much until I get married. It had been a struggle when my operating system needs more than love; it also needs the stuff it brings with it, the dark inhabitants of my soul. No wonder I always doubt my capability to love for what is in my mind was far beyond the love I was recieving.
Slowly I see that love has nothing to do with how I feel, whether it is pleasant or unpleasant. Love is not just sex and touch and giving away things; sure at times those can be an expressions of love, but love is far deeper and wider than that.This is what I found out:
Love is when I think of nothing but goodness for others and for myself;
Love is when I accept that others including myself had flaws and is not perfect;
Love is when I choose to do what is right for others and for myself;
Love is when I listen to God;
Love is when I am putting others welfare ahead of my own;
Love is when I am being true despite the pain;
Love is when I am choosing to give my time to those whom I think needed me the most;
Love is when I am helping others to solve their problems by using God’s gift to me;
Love is when I know in my heart I just want the best for the people I care the most and with others as well;
Love is when I am destroying the dark inhabitants of my soul;
Love is when I am celebrating both my strength and my weakness; Love is letting go of fear; Love is when I trust in God’s promises;
I am sure there’s plenty of I can add to the list affirming with no doubts that I was able to love the most I could.