Excerpt from The Booze Stole My Son………
I find it hard to write the unbearable moment we arrived in the hospital. Human beings have the tendency to forget deep in the consciousness those very painful memories they’ve gone through. I’ve read that somewhere.
I was uncontrollably hysterical when I saw the crowd. I know what it meant. It crashed every piece of me. There was absolutely no word to describe how I felt and how I was then and I guess until now. The loss was so intense.
There was a piercing cry within, pleading to suppress the sensation that was beyond my capability to handle. Breaking free from the tight embrace of people closest to us was a way of letting the feelings out until I lost all the strength to resist the screaming inside.
“Why? JC! Why?” These were the only words I was able to repeatedly utter. I wanted to run and never stop and just be lost. This was too much. JC was s gone. No! I couldn’t accept that.
My mind could not comprehend. How could it be? I longed to hug JC. I couldn’t stand it. I desired to hug anybody I see. I didn’t know what to do. It was more than like crazy. I didn’t like to think what was happening that moment. JC is gone forever. He couldn’t be with me anymore. It was hurting like hell. I didn’t like that.
A few minutes later, Bein asked me if I was ready to see JC. He was laying in the morgue with KP, his best friend. They both didn’t make it. My impulse pushed me to immediately hug him. But I really couldn’t stand it. There was something inside of me that wanted to get out of that episode right away.
I regret later that I didn’t take advantage of the longest and tightest embrace I can have for him, forgetting that it was the last. I never knew that on the days to follow, I would not crave for anything but a hug from him, that the perpetual frustrating feeling I would have to deal is the improbability of being physically connected to him again, even by a simple touch. I felt so dumb.
How could I ever let go of this kind of pain? Does it really fade?
Many hours of facing my computer screen seeking and searching in the depths of my heart lead me to the conclusion that I am not really sure if I can completely let go of it. And if the fear of being hurt again and again and again is bigger and deeper than the pain itself.
However, in my frail attempt trying to seek for something which there are more questions than answer what I found out is that the degree of pain we felt no matter how excruciating at the moment subsides over time. We may not be able to let go of it completely, but our body and minds cope in ways it should be to which some are healthier than the others.