Lately I’ve been eating out of control. I tried to fast, take nothing after 6 pm and at one time keep telling myself to eat only when hungry but to no avail. I will always go back to eating more than I should then feel guilty afterwards for doing so.
The guilt was an old familiar feeling that started when I was very young. I can remember vividly the vague discomfort every morning after sleeping with my cousins and wanting the pleasure of being touch by his genitals the whole night. Until it became something I was looking forward into again and again. I feel so guilty for wanting the pleasure because I know deep inside it should not be.
My need to be touched, to be cared and to feel that I matter was provided by my cousins but it was equivalent to guilt. In my adult life I was hiding my financial situation with my husband that eventually lead me to the same old feeling of guilt. It became a cycle so hard to break. At one time I was using sex, at another time money and now food.
It was difficult to see first when the things I am getting myself into will eventually lead me to the same pattern I am used to until waking up with the result. If not for the discomfort and apprehension of breaking my family I will never be able to face the hiding, the money issues and the underlying guilt that goes with it. This time the weight gain and the excessive food intake is providing a feeling that is so familiar when I thought everything was over.
I will let go of guilt by constantly reminding myself that it’s ok for my needs to be met and that my God shall supply all my needs according to His riches in heaven. I will make it a part of my daily affirmation and used it as a tool in destroying the guilt I keep within.
I will start loving myself by reaching out and by doing the things where I find healing. I will rest my tummy for a while and for today I will take just enough food my body requires. I will face the guilt with my pen and destroy the thoughts with reading.
Many of my soul’s destructive inhabitants in the past were defeated and I am confident I will also be able to destroy this one with God’s help.