“How come you didn’t know how to handle money?” “It’s just like this” showing her little fist tightly close as if she was holding a fight. That was the voice of my 5-year-old daughter many years back.

 

All the while I thought my lack was due to my mishandling of finances. I never knew then that the thought I keep within validate the life I live. My sense of unworthiness, guilt, fear and my beliefs about receiving and giving determines the abundance or lack I create.

 

Growing up as the eldest, I was often demanded by my mom to give way to my little siblings.  It was not big deals, just the small stuff for children.  I still remember how I cried bitterly over a bag my mom bought only to be told that it was for my younger sister.  Over the time I learned to give with grudges.  It is natural for kids to always want something for themselves and got disappointed when they did not get what they want. I never realized those instances will shape the way I feel about giving until recently.

 

Giving in creating abundance was alien to me. To have, to accumulate and to acquire were the only things that matter to me before. Not only for me but for the people I care about I thought. I was like a two-year-old child who just becomes taller and bigger where everything is still mine.

 

Then I receive affirmations and the deepest desire to be appreciated with guilt. It was provided to me with my male cousins during the nights. The touches I receive create pleasure and a feeling that I was wanted, love and appreciated only to wake up with remorse, guilt and hatred in the morning.

 

No wonder I grow up uncomfortable receiving.  I felt a deep shame accepting even small things from anyone. My feelings reinforce memories I would otherwise forget. I validate my sense of unworthiness by sabotaging the good things I receive from the universe.

It took many years before I was able to see these things. Now I realized our state of abundance and lack depends on what we keep inside. To receive from God’s abundance gratefully and to give from the abundance of my heart joyfully is an affirmation I owe to myself everyday.

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