I was 28 when I realized I was having an identity crisis, with four kids around. I thought it was too late. Although during teenage life I had periods of wondering who I am uncertain if I answered that question. I realized the crisis of knowing who we are is not confined only to a particular stage but on various points throughout life.

When I was young, I used to believe I don’t measure up. My sister next to me was always far more beautiful than I am. I inherently believe that I could not measure up to her likability. Probably I was already sending the message that nobody will like me that time. It was the belief I created for myself after being sexually molested. It was also the message I received from people around us when we were always being compared.

I grow up believing I am not worthy, I am not deserving of anybody’s love and I am dirty. This kind of self-indoctrination is common among sexually abused children which I just found out later in life. My identity was shaped around by those painful experiences and interactions with the people around me.

And because they were lies, the crisis arises.  I pretended to be clean during high school, a mask that was more than a blessing because it saved me from promiscuity. I never had boyfriends in high school for the fear of being found out dirty. I am so afraid because I know guys will never like me once they found the real me. I went to college feeling the same until I met my husband.

His unconditional love challenge the way I believe about myself. For the first time, I felt accepted for who I really am; the flaws, the undeservingness, unworthiness, and the pretensions. I don’t know how he made it. But the challenges never end there. There are deep rooted definitions of myself that I validated in one way or the other.

The belief that I am a shame was affirmed on the constant choices and dealings with my finances. I almost destroy the family I keep because of the financial chaos I got myself into. I lost some good friendship and hurt the people I care the most because of this. I lost my credibility to many people and institution and find it too difficult to start after several financial setbacks.  Everything was a result of how I define myself from deep within.

The stubborn belief that I will never have the crisis if I don’t need it leads me to a deeper understanding of myself and the people around me. It made me realized that the definition I have was not true after all. The reality is that I am created good for a purpose and I am loved by my Maker, the same thing with the people around me. We are all inherently good and loved.

Everything that happened in my life in the past is not a waste  because they will be used in my life’s greatest purpose to which my strongest identity will emerge. Therefore, to all those who are in crisis, I am throwing a big shout to choose a better definition of who you are, it can be done.

Advertisements