A sense of powerlessness over death wraps my whole being right after my brothers’ burial. I felt vulnerable wrestling with something nobody will ever win. The thought of death immobilizes me for the first time after several losses of people I love the most.
The nights that followed was filled with dreams about death and dying that it bothers me at times. I prayed hard in trying to figure out the meaning of it all and a deep feeling of fear about losing someone emerges. The threat of a deep loneliness over losing a loved one again was stronger than the fear of death itself.
Memories came crashing one by one with every loss I encountered since childhood. It starts with the death of my grandfather who made me feel I was his favorite. A few years after that, I went to a more profound sorrow losing my Dad. My mom’s leaving to sickness many years later does not create the same impact I had over the losses during childhood even those of my grandmas. The most devastating of it all is that of losing my son three years ago.
The strong resistance of going back to those unbearable feelings gave light why tears won’t come during my brother’s wake. I created an automatic shut off from deep within because I am not sure if I was capable of going through the same feeling again. I shielded myself with numbness and rage.
Then I realized it was not death but the feelings of being left by someone I loved that scared me the most. This was the strongest sensation embedded on my being that I would not want to go through again. This is what I am so afraid of that I could not make peace with.
There was a voice within me saying that my loved ones do not really leave. They just go to the next dimension where there is a loving God who connects everything. This is the beauty of my faith; life never ends here. There is life before, there is life now and there is life in the hereafter.
Accepting that death is a part of life just like birth is liberating. The knowledge that a loved one who dies does not leave at all dissolves the feelings of helplessness and disconnections. Death is a great teacher of life. It teaches us to live every day to the fullest as if it is our last and if it is, there is an assurance that the next life is far more exciting than what we have here today. It was a promise we can claim if we believe in God.