Yesterday was a hard day. My client needed a document I have to dig through old files. While doing my search I came across some receipts from investments I lost because of negligence. I felt so sad and guilty thinking that I could have made it better if I do things differently. I cannot help but cry and feel sorry for myself for all the losses until the memories go back to losing my son. I regretted not being more loving and more forgiving when he was still around and so on until my heart was heavy and my eyes weary.
I drag my pen and my journal hoping to figure out something. I suspect this feeling has something to do with the hormonal imbalances that usually appear once a month. I notice this kind of loneliness once in a while and I just let it pass by crying and writing about the thoughts. So far it never failed to reveal something I haven’t thought of. Pope Francis in his visit to the Philippines says “Certain realities in life are seen only with eyes that are cleansed by tears.”
I grow up believing crying is a sign of weakness and I am so used to holding back my tears until I met my husband. He made me cry a lot by making me reveal a part of myself I would rather forget. He told me we are sick as our secret and the more I was peeled off like an onion the more tears I shed. I do not understand what he was doing then but I loved what was happening to me. The tears that go with exposing myself was liberating and I find the strength I never knew within.
According to studies, those who suppress emotions and cannot cry may be jeopardizing their health. But more than that when we lose our ability to cry for our pains and those of others we also lose our capability to love and to care.