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Forgive me, Lord, because I spent the Holy Thursday and Good Friday watching Descendants of the Sun instead of contemplating on the Passions of Christ. Although I participated and hosted the rituals of reading the passions the whole Wednesday, I know it does not justify my indulgence watching this movie at a time I should be reflecting on God’s suffering. I will confess later.

Not to give justice on what I did, the Descendants of the Sun made me reflect on my father whom I lost many years ago. Most of you who watched this movie were probably asking how? Yes, my father was not a soldier but he created an impression in my mind that he was my protector and my savior (against my mom’s assault).

The movie reminded me of my strongest attraction to a military man during my teens. And I can’t help but ask myself why? This is where the thought of my father emerge. Men in uniform project an image of protection in my mind, a Knight in shining armor. An illusion I created to deal with the unimaginable loss I had to bear after losing my father at a young age. He is my protector, how can that be?

Watching the movie also brings me to the deepest craving of every woman I know, including myself; to be protected, to be taken cared and to be loved. This is where I felt my father left me in the air without the thought of blaming him. How can you blame a person who died? He probably doesn’t like it either. But his absence created a hole in my heart that can only be filled by an assurance of protection and love. And the reflections lead me to where I find it, to God himself.

” You are my defender and protector.” “You are my God, in You I trust.” “I will be safe in His care.” Suddenly I found myself reciting these verses from Psalm 91 which I keep praying every day. It gives me something language could not express. I don’t know what happen, but I felt so safe and well taken care of after murmuring those verses this time.

Then I realized that a lot of woman like me create unrealistic expectations among men to be like God unknowingly. Somebody who could do everything for us. And many times, we are dismayed for they can never be. They will fail us over and over again because they are not God. Men are human beings, with strength and weakness just like we do. It is unfair to expect them to do everything for us like God does.

In the end, the reflections remind me of the reality that all of our desires, cravings, and needs can only be filled by a loving God. No more, no less.  Sometimes, He will use men in our midst to make sure those things were attended. At other times, other ways. What a beautiful reflection from a great movie at a time I least expect it.

A meaningful Holy Week for everyone who believes!

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