I used to doubt my capability to love, whether I know how or not. My distorted concept of love arises from the time I was growing up between the age of 5 and 6 when I equated love with being touch by my cousin during the nights. Those incidents filled my need to feel love but it also brings with me the feeling of remorse upon waking up in the morning. Those feelings were so powerful corrupting my sense of self and my concept of love which I brought with me until I grew up. I relate to sex and shame and remorse and guilt with being love.
My idea of love was fixated at that stage and never really grows up that much until I get married. It had been a struggle when my operating system needs more than love; it also needs the stuff it brings with it, the dark inhabitants of my soul. No wonder I always doubt my capability to love for what is in my mind was far beyond the love I was receiving.
Slowly I see that love has nothing to do with how I feel, whether it is pleasant or unpleasant. Love is not just sex and touch and giving away things; sure at times those can be an expression of love, but love is far deeper and wider than that.This is what I found out:
Love is when I think of nothing but good for others and for myself;
Love is when I accept that others including myself had flaws and is not perfect;
Love is when I choose to do what is right for others and for myself;
Love is when I am putting others welfare ahead of my own;
Love is when I am being true despite the pain;
Love is when I am choosing to give my time to those whom I think needed me the most;
Love is when I am helping others to solve their problems by using God’s gift to me;
Love is when I know in my heart I just want the best for the people I care the most and with others as well;
Love is when I am destroying the dark inhabitants of my soul;
Love is when I am celebrating both my strength and my weakness; Love is letting go of fear; Love is when I listen to God and trust on His promises;
And last, love can never be defined for it keeps enfolding every day 🙂