There was a pressure inside demanding I’ve got to write something when there is just nothing to write. Throwing crumpled paper over my tin can one after the other and tossing my pen every now and then, walking in and out of my small little corner to look at my malunggay (moringga) trees over the window, and turning the computer on and off manifest the tension I feel.
There was a voice telling me to read and do what I have written a few months ago, just do it. But there are so many things to do: contract to finish, bills to pay, food to prepare, house to clean and the more pressing of all; articles to write. The pressure to do something increases and the more I become freeze.
In an unexpected turn of event, I will be left alone. Two of my children were already at school and the remaining two had their separate itinerary somewhere. My husband will be going to his hometown and will be back in the evening. In a few minutes, I was left with two dogs and a cat that seems to be enjoying the quietness around.
I told myself to be still in the presence of the noise within. I felt there were a surge and a roller coaster of hormones that usually appears once a month. Sometimes they made me feel so down and so listless, and sometimes they made me feel I can do anything under the sun like a superwoman.
When I’m finding it hard to be still, I grab my pen and my journal hoping to ease the internal noises going on. I write and write and write until I have five pages of musings enough to make an article. In between moments, I felt the craving to make a cup of coffee, salvage the refrigerator and have the leftover food to my heart’s content. But I manage to just be still and keep writing.
The thing that strikes me during this stillness is the reminder that I am not what I feel. If I am feeling great, I am good. If I am feeling worst, I am dumb. These are all nonsense. I was created good no matter how I felt.
I found out that my feelings both the unpleasant and the pleasant had the capability to freeze me and kept me out of focus. They both have the power to make me do things I will be sorry later so it is always wise to be still especially when emotions are strong.
In the stillness, I realized I never know how to detach myself from what I feel and how to just let them be. Most of the things I do are motivated by my emotions which are erratic often times. I was manipulated by this powerful part of me in ways I never knew.
The moment of silence also reminded me to stop relying on the feelings but to rely on the facts instead. My emotions are just part of my physical makeup, the container of what I really am. Learning to deal with them will lead me to where I am really going and this is where an article was born!