When I was between the age of 5 and 6 I equated love with being touch during the nights by people who were neither my mom nor my dad. Those incidents filled my need to be love but it also brings with me a deep sense of remorse upon waking up in the morning. Since then, my concept of love was fixated with sexuality and pleasure, guilt and remorse. Those feelings corrupt my sense of self and my concept of love and made me doubtful of my capability to love and be loved at all until I grew up.
When I got married and reality sets in and romance and pleasure gets out of the window I thought I was unloved. I was naive on how to really love another human being just the way it is and what a healthy relationship was. It was a constant struggle especially when my operating system needs more than love; it also needs the stuff it brings with it, the dark inhabitants of my soul which I am used to. If not for miracles, I could have been out of marriage long ago.
I realized in the process that love has nothing to do with how I feel, whether it is pleasant or unpleasant. Love is not just sex and touch and giving away things; sure at times those can be an expression of love, but love is far deeper and wider than that.
See what what I found out:
Love is when I think of nothing but good for others and for myself;
Love is when I accept that others including myself had flaws and is not perfect;
Love is when I choose to do what is right for others and for myself;
Love is when I am putting others welfare ahead of my own;
Love is when I am being true despite of the pain;
Love is when I am choosing to give my time to those whom I think needed me the most;
Love is when I am helping others to solve their problems by using God’s gift to me;
Love is when I know in my heart I just want the best for the people I care the most and with others as well;
Love is when I am destroying the dark inhabitants of my soul;
Love is when I am celebrating both my strength and my weakness; Love is letting go of fear; Love is when I listen to God and trust on His promises;
And last, love can never be defined for it keeps enfolding every day 🙂