cont. of the Confession…..

“What if I don’t love you the way you love me?”
“I mean this is not what I understand about love.” I doubt if I knew it all along.
“With 2 kids around!!!”
“You were asking me about that?”

Getting his car keys and driving as fast as he can without knowing where to go. Attend a meeting perhaps or just find someone to talk to. This is unbelievable.

“How can she not know if she was in love with me after all those times we had been married? “
“Does she really mean it?”

It might be the conversation going on my husband’s head after that honest to goodness question from me.

How do we understand how it is to love and be loved? Where do we formulate our concept about this deepest craving we all have inside. Why are we so lost in our search? It took me almost 27 years to figure this out.

All I want is to be accepted and belong and to feel that I do matter. I knew it from deep within while I was growing up. But I have this gut feeling that people do not like me. I don’t know how and when it started. It must have its roots from where I came from, my dad and my mom, and the circumstances that surround me when I was too little to understand and create a better judgment.

My parents got married when they were both 19 with little to nothing education, raised on the farm to be just like their parents were. I don’t know much about their love story, except that my father was the only boyfriend or lover my mom ever had and bingo. Though arranged marriage was happening then and I’ve heard my dad’s only sister got married that way, I don’t think they were alike.

From the angst of fear and poverty, my mom’s childhood life was spent working as a waitress in the small canteen of the only coconut factory there is in the town proper while my dad was set foot to farming. I hadn’t known a single thing about how they meet and what happens next like the knowledge and details of how it was with me and my husband to our children. All I can think of is that life was difficult for both of them.

Are people in the past more mature than we are today? Whatever the answer is I still can’t imagine how two teenagers handle having a child in me. I conclude that much of my wiring about love was intercepted from this two teeners raising a family.

At 19, I was still so disillusioned about life and love. I was a second-year nursing student then obsessed with my long time childhood infatuation the boy next door., my neighbor lol! All my ideas about love were to be with him and to marry him and to live happily ever after with him. He courted me when I was in high school, but it was a constant battle within knowing that I was not deserving of him because he is the son of the town’s mayor and I am a nobody. That is what I thought. I have the same inclination towards my husband later.

I never knew then that my sense of unworthiness was wired deep from the experiences I have with those long nights on the farm, the longing, and the remorse. I was formulating what love was during those times. Love was being touched with all its pleasure and equivalent remorse. Love was something that would make me feel happy, guilty and ashamed. What a concept!

It was hardwired on my system. He must be lying. He will never love me once he found out who I am. That is what I believe for throwing out that honest to goodness query. Breaking the programming almost crashed both our soul to pieces.


How I figured it all out in my next article……