How I figured it all out….cont.
My deep longings for love and happiness and the ingrained belief of my unworthiness were like two voices in a constant fight within where there must always be a winner. I was naïve to those kinds of voices until I read the book of Dean Graziosi. He called it the hero and the villain where one cannot exist with the other around.
Becoming aware of them leads me to my thought patterns, feelings, and self-talk that I keep playing inside. Of course, choosing what to keep and what to let go had never been an easy task as always. But it was worth all the try.
Would I listen to the voice that says I am unworthy or to the one that says I am loved no matter what? It was a constant tug of war on my head and whoever receives the most attention always wins. Until I become so sick and tired of fighting that all I want is just to finish it all no matter what. I’m tired.
At that point, I was led to the path of loving myself first by listening to the hero’s voice and a better understanding of the source where it came from. Without which every option I will listen to is a distorted illusion. What a journey to begin with.
Then I learn what love is on a daily process though I am doubting if I can fully comprehend its vastness. It cannot be contained in a mind and a body that is full of itself. Love requires complete emptiness of my preoccupation which is the most difficult thing to do because it means letting go of those beliefs that provided me security all my life. How do you break free from something that you have been so used to and that had been a part of who you are?
It was a throbbing chaotic disconnection that I almost lost myself in oblivion before I see the light. Breaking up with the guilt for all the things that I have done, the shame for who I am, and whom I had become, the anger and the revenge and all those negative stuff inside isn’t easy. It is uncomfortable and I always tend to go back to how it used to be. I hope there is an easier way out but there is none that I know. I just tried the best I could.
It broke me first into a thousand pieces before I figure this all out. It was a lonely promising journey. I only have myself and my pen to cry with most of the time. Until I hear my deep longings for love and happiness that speak louder this time.
All I want is to be loved and to be happy. I am wired that way. Everything that happened in the past is geared towards that craving within. The way it was granted to me had been distorted at times and it’s ok. It leads me to a deeper knowledge of myself and an understanding and compassion of the people around me. Listening to the voice of my hero within made me at peace with who I am. I become no longer at the mercy of the villain’s voice. It was liberating, yes, love is.
Love demands total acceptance of oneself for it cannot give what it doesn’t have. It embraces all of me, the good and the bad, and all those things that happen to me without judgment, but a a complete trust that in everything God works for good. It is an appreciation that my blessing comes both from my flaws and strengths.
It is not the way I think it is, it is the way I live it is. For my action always speaks louder than my thought. When I think I was loving, I was actually destroying. Doing the same things over and over again producing the same disturbing result isn’t love but insanity.
How foolish it is to think that we know how to love when we don’t even know how to do it with ourselves. So ya, I am right when I was getting some confusion with what it was when I ask him. It was the beginning of my journey to an awakening of what it is to live and love every day of my life.