Yesterday I was looking for a place to nap since my husband was on a webinar inside our bedroom and by the looks of it, he had no plan of using earphones so I decided to sneak into our daughter’s cave and bingo. I thought it was a good idea since the two of them were watching Netflix downstairs. I only have to deal with the eldest whose gesture of sharing their bed with me was more than accommodating while reading some of her stuff on the other side.
It could have been a perfect afternoon nap for me I supposed but it turns out to be a terrible headache after two hours of laughter and an Oprah-like talk show where I was the guest and this naughtiest of them all the host. Not long before we started the chat skit when her youngest sister got bored watching Netflix and decided to join us as an audience. Cuddling her way to my belly in between laughs like a retarded bear, I cannot help but hug her tight in every turn since she can throw our host out of the window if she deems necessary.
My host queries vary from pregnancy to motherhood and money and giving birth and all the things I have gone through of which some I felt nauseated reminiscing. She asked me things like if I will be allowed to start again from the beginning what would I do differently and what was my greatest lesson so far. Questions never stop coming out of her head with my never-ending hilarious and serious answers now and then.
“Did you fall out of love with papa since you got married?” She means it.
“I remember being so mad at your papa at one point and that feeling was so intense that I knew something was wrong” that was my genuine response which pushed me to come up with this article.
Hatred is like an acid that can destroy all of us. I knew it right there and then that if we left it untouched, we will both fall out of love eventually. So many broken relationships start with small annoyance that accumulated over the years. When they reach the melting point everyone explodes, love evaporates. Sorry for the figure of speech I cannot describe it scientifically the best I could, but I know my point is clear.
We always think that the opposite of love is hate which is not true. It is our total lack of emotional intelligence and a thorough understanding of what love is that makes it so. Most of us were brought up with the belief that when our significant others got mad at us, they do not love us anymore. We hate it when the people we love screw things up, but we do not necessarily unlove them that way.
We believe that we cannot hate someone we love; they cannot exist together. Those kinds of outlook make loving so narrow and being human impossible. It is ok to get mad at the people we love the most. Even Jesus Christ did. What is not ok is if we keep those negative feelings burning inside in the fear of being unloved when express. Most of us were not equipped to convey both positive and negative emotions in the healthiest way possible.
Then I told my host that my anger towards her papa was coming from frustration. I had so much expectation from him and some were delusional. Not that I expected him to fly but I was expecting him to be something he is not. Here’s the dialogue box in my head every time I got mad with his papa.
“Why can’t he just think or do things this way?”
“What is wrong with him?”
“He is out of his mind.”
“Why can’t he behave like this and that etc.”
Of course, I had never been the problem, it was always him, ever. I was expecting him to change not me. I often want him to do things the way I know, to think, and to feel the way I do. In short, I was expecting him to be like me lol! It was subtle and unconscious.The more I insist the more we both got furious and resentful.
In fear of losing his papa and them, I work things out. It was not him. It was the things I keep inside that makes me feel that way. Bringing all the dirt out was not-an-all- easy journey for both of us but it provided some clarity and peace, later acceptance.
Partners are two human beings with their own sets of weaknesses and strengths different from each other. The task is to compensate for what the other lacks and appreciate what it is full of and to work harmoniously with the greatest things that bind them together in the first place. After all, that stuff was greater than the things that can divide them apart.
Falling in love every day is easier that way.