“How do you want to be remembered by your children?” this was the question asked by our Rector on his homily this morning for all the fathers attending the mass.
I’m sure all of my children had good memories of my husband. How will they not? He was always around anytime they need him. I knew how he loses himself in the process of becoming a father. I guess this was a choice he does not regret.
Then I thought of the smiling face of my father seeing him every day on the picture frame hanging on our wall to where my Mom offers fruits every All Saints Day after we laid him to rest. That was more than 30 years ago and that is the immediate imprint that came out of my mind with the Rector’s query.
I cannot recall much of my father’s traits but he left me with a feeling that he was my protector though he made me feel abandon as well. His leaving creates an impact on my life that I have never realized until I got married.
It takes turns and twist before I was able to address the fear of abandonment that engulfs me during the early years of married life. I always want my husband around and yet unconsciously I was pushing him away. I am used to having no one beside and live life by my own.
Eve’s loopholes had always been doing things her way and most wives had succumbed to this culture without realizing the danger. Adam, on the other hand, had been accustomed to leaving their wives behind in some aspect of their life. This is a game we unwittingly play in the arena of marriage that often left the family at a wreck.
In the most difficult of times, I run myself the way I knew how without considering I am no longer alone. I had a supportive husband who had always been there all along and yet I had become too stubborn to listen. He did not only lose himself in the process of becoming a father to our children but also in becoming a husband to me. I’m sure he had forgiven me.
Losing my Dad leads me to finding strength and traits I never knew I had and to the husband I have. I cannot imagine being attracted to someone of my father’s age if I was not looking for a father figure at the time I fall in love with him. Of course, that was unconscious, but it was the best thing that happened in my life.
I knew he was surprised with the cards I laid and did not lay on the table at the beginning of our married life. It would be impossible for an immature person to bear with me thinking how I was then. If not for the wisdom he possesses we are probably included now on the statistics of broken families.
Today, I am eternally grateful to the father I lost and the father I found in the husband I have. They were not perfect human beings, but they were always a reminder of the Lord’s gift who will protect and love me no matter what.